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Dear my fleet of Ryu Knights,
I've seen cheap online games that rip-off Pokemon. I've seen cheap online games that rip-off Naruto. But a One Piece game? Pockie Pirates is what I've found. And I knew I needed the full expirience. So I checked for viruses, made and account, and started up this blog. Let's see what happens.
First things first, you'll see a lot of familiar faces while choosing your character. They don't just resemble One Piece characters. They are One Piece characters. But you can't play as them. Instead, you get to choose your gender and your specialty (Swordsman, Sniper, Navigator, or Doctor) and the game gives you a stupid cliche preset appearance. All the while, a not-so-sweet rip of Overtaken blasts in the background.
When you start the game, Perona I MEAN "Coconut" will introduce you. Then you talk to Mayor Wootslap I MEAN "Village Head". By this point you notice that you are playing online with other people. Well, I think they're other people. Look fake to me. Anyway, passed that stupid Lobby, I started my first mission.
"What a nice nap that was. I'm Luffy and I'm hungry! Now where am I?" So the story appears to be that you went on Alvida's ship to free villagers when you stumbled upon the stolen appearance of Luffy. I've picked up on a lot of spelling errors so far, and Luffy's scar jumps from eye-to-eye. But I'll assume that they creators weren't going for accuracy nor quality here. So I clicked to start the battle and WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?
I blinked and missed it. I caught a glimpse of Thousand Sunny on a versus screen, and then the damn computer fought my battle for me! Apparently I won. And back to poorly done cutscenes! Excellent. So Luffy and Coby exchange the famous whats-your-dream dialouge from the Alvida Arc of One Piece. And your character is there, too busy not-interacting to actually interact with the scene.
This game seems to play itself pretty well. I've completed my first mission and started the next without doing a damn thing. Next. Next. Next. Next. MISSION CLEAR. Okay so I'll *blink* Dammit! I missed another battle! Oh, look! There's a replay button, so I can see how I won! Apparenly I used ice to freeze him and then I finished him off. I'm pretty cool. What does this have to do with One Piece?
Okay, so I've been playing for a while (I mean, clicking next for a while) and Luffy and Coby say it's time to fight Alvida! This is what I've been building up to! But wait. Alvida's not even in this game. I'm fighting "Peppoko". And after the 3 second battle that I automatically won, Luffy and Coby are all like "we did it!" But where the hell is Alvida! You promised me Alvida! Oh well, I'm on to the next map.
Village Head keeps on talking to me, but I have no idea what he's saying. Something about valiants. I've been battling a lot and I notice that they keep talking about Alvida still. I guess she comes in later. The boss of this map is another weirdo named "Heppoko". He looks like a fishman I think? Wait a minute. I remember now! Peppoko, Heppoko, and Poppoko were Alvida's crewmates from that one barrel scene. So how come the Heppoko in this game is blue and scaley?
Oh here we go! This map is called "Battle of Alvida"! I'm ready! So some chick named "Renee" is fighting with me. And the computer still does everything for me. Next. Next. Next. Next. I've killed the stranger claiming to be Poppoko. And I've fought enemies that look exactly like Renee, my only teammate. And what the actual hell!? No Alvida!
Now I'm underwater, apparently, and Gaimon is floating around in a bubble with a crane dangling from his ass. I can't understand what this knock-off game is suppose to be. And what the hell. WHAT THE HELL. Now I'm fighting Alvida? How did this happen? And why? Luffy went 2nd gear on her ass and she's dead. But I have no idea what happened between Gaimon's ass-crane and Alvida.
Okay. Nonsense Cutscene. Apparently Nami's been here all along. But now the lobby has changed. Now I'm at Shells Town. "Village Head" has been renamed "Mayor". I think he's suppose to be a new character? Wait, what the-? Helllloooooooooooooo Nurse! Or rather, hello Bar Owner. Or rather, hello stripper holding a kegger.
And now I've accidentally recruited a big fat blue scaley man named "Peggie" on my team. This game, man. This game. Ya know? Fuck this game. I quit. Why don't you go play it yourself?
This game shamelessly uses the likeness of One Piece to get players, but the actual gameplay has nothing to do with One Piece. And you can't even play this game! It plays with itself and it makes you watch! Like my Uncle Benny! It's so poorly done, I don't even know what the characters are saying half the time. But what did I expect? Well... a virus for one. If they're going to make a crappy game, have the decency to infect my computer. Deal?
Love, (but not you, Pockie Pirates), Ryu