Ever since I joined various One Piece discussions on the internet, I was soon introduced to the behemoth of discussions: something that may be recognized by Guinness as the closest human creation to reach the plane of infinity. You have most definitely seen it as well: any One Piece fan with an internet connection has (friends irl can hypothetically be substituted). I'm talking about the discussion on who will next join the Straw Hat Pirates. Our very cordial sister site Arlong Park has six threads on this, with the sixth one having nearly 17000 posts and the other five being closed because they were too long.
It is an ever-expanding universe of discussion for people to go basically anywhere, and for this reason, I've never really entertained thoughts of new crewmembers. If Oda makes them good enough characters, then I'm cool with it. And regardless of that, this bastation of a discussion has showed me one thing: If a canon character makes an appearance, at least one One Piece fan will want them on the crew. I know I said I don't really care much about new crewmembers, but the fans somehow manage to promote characters that make me care about NOT wanting them on the crew.
So tonight I would like to make a formal list of characters that I feel have less chance of joining the crew than Kaido has at killing himself and Big Mom has at joining Weight Watchers. So let's get started.
Bartolomeo:
- Has a crew of his own
- Probably could not function if he were on the same ship as all the Straw Hats
Nefeltari Vivi:
- Has clearly expressed her decision to not join the crew, without much self-doubt.
- Soon to assume the throne once her dad makes a death rattle.
- Sanji's already betrothed.
Momonosuke and his retainers
- Momonosuke is the heir to the daimyo, and so far the only position fans are putting for him is cabin boy. Definitely a difficult decision, to be sure
- Also Momonosuke can't fight, and he's whiny.
- Besides him, the crew would have three extra swordsmen sitting around, although Kin'emon could get a role as crew fashionista.
Perona:
- Would rather live with Mihawk for two years, so she's gone down an irretrievable path.
- Wants to create a country where everyone is a stuffed animal under her control, so would likely be a better fit for the Big Mom Pirates.
- Also has a part-time role in the Bleach universe
Boa Hancock:
- Has a kingdom to rule over
- Like Bartolomeo, would be reduced to a one-dimensional love muffin working alongside Luffy
- Would eternally knock Sanji out of the story
- Usopp, Brook, Franky, and by association Chopper would also have problems
Monet:
- As the great Grievous67 once said, she's way too brutal to join
- There's also the minor detail of her getting stabbed in the heart and collapsing. So clearly once she regains consciousness she will have to get medical treatments and who knows what she'll do with her life force that has been stronger than ever before.
Jinbe:
- He did say he would join after taking care of some business. But maybe he really doesn't want to join and was just being polite to Luffy; his "business" will last for the rest of the series.
Rebecca
- Seriously?
Trafalgar D. Water Law
- Has a crew of his own
- Wants to find the One Piece too, so of course he will be a gentleman and break off their alliance before proclaiming that Luffy was too far ahead of him the whole time and he will abstain from his goal.
- At some point in the future he might not be ok
Franky
- Beat crew member Usopp to a pulp, no way Luffy would want someone like that in his crew
- Backstory isn't sad enough
- Shueisha and Toei would never allow a grown man wearing a speedo to become a main character; think of the children
- Doesn't seem like he would even want to join the crew, even squeezing his family jewels probably wouldn't convince him.
- Why do you guys even want this colossal jerk in the crew. If they need a shipwright, look no further than Paulie, a virile and virtuous young man with a unique power and a great character 4 kids!
Carrot:
- Would basically be Chopper part 2
Pedro:
- Less personality than Bartholomew Kuma when he's not working with the Straw Hats
Kaido
- They can't afford his rates
Shirahoshi:
- Seriously? II: Serious Boogaloo
Charlotte Purin
- Being a woman, Purin's only place is in the kitchen, which is already occupied
- She's got a knife!
- More resembles those long-distance relationship types
- Makes Pedro and Admiral Ackbar nervous
Monkey D. Luffy
- Has no recognizable talent other than making friends, so would be unable to fill any particular role except as a guy making promises he can't keep to strangers.
- Would deplete all stockpiled food
- Absolutely cannot be controlled. Would get any group caught by a competent police force within minutes
- Will likely die before age 30, so not a good long-term investment
Cerberus
- It's already Blackbeard's bitch
Viola:
- Was actually planned to be in the crew, as some of Oda's sketchbooks confirmed. However, all that was discovered was that she died in a horrific accident and Sanji ate a Devil Fruit in Nami's tangerine grove immediately after. Now he is a sad Snow Logia who can't heat up anymore.
Hope that enlightened you a bit. If you would like to rebut any of my arguments, I am open to what you have to say, so share in the comments.