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I owe everyone a real blog from a responsible and dedicated Admin. This is not it.

Gekko Moriah is the weirdest looking mother fucker in One Piece.

I say it, hands down. Hatchan says so too, with more hands down. Even fellow former Shichibukai Crocodile says so, hand down, and hook down too.

Let's take a good look at the weirdo:

Moriah Warriors 3

AHHHH Get it away from the children!!!

Fucking weird, right?

The weirdest part is that he wasn't always reminiscent of the most terrifying lovechild of a demon and a raindrop you could imagine.

Aside from some oddly pointy fingers, pointy ears, budding horns, weird rounded fangs (the only thing NOT pointy on the poor kid), and some highly unfortunate forehead bone structure, he looked like a normal kid (personality aside). He even had just about the proportions of a normal human.

Moriah as a Child

But dude, check out those cowboy boots with spurs! Can you image him on a horse? I can't!

Fast forward to age 26 at Roger's Execution, and some of the rough shit starts to come out. We can't even see his whole body, but his weird face is enough to bask in for now. First off, his chin got REALLY pointy for no reason, a trait he shares with a fellow Shicibukai. (Apparently the start of the Pirate Age was the end of the era of pointy chins!) Next off, those horns grew in (presumably during puberty) and they're the same pale grey color of a half-dead person that never goes outside to rot in the sun that his skin is. Too bad his ears are now a much more threatening shape than those horns. I wouldn't want to get stabbed by those lobes! I hope he went to see Arlong's dentist for getting those teeth sharpened too! Lastly, it appears after slamming his head into one to many mirrors in horror of what he saw, he needed stitches on his weird split forehead to hold the sides together more. The doctor never removed them.

Gekko Moriah at Age 26

But his collar bones imply that he had smexy, smexy muscles and abs!

At age 38, something interesting happens. He meets a guy that can modify bodies to make them super weird! But wait, his body has already hit peak weirdness! That means he did it all somehow else!

Hogback Meets Moriah, Absalom and Perona

At least we know those white eyes aren't a thing...

Anyways, let's go into current age Moriah, as we all know can't unsee him:

Moriah Warriors 3

Actually, I'd let him have the kids if it meant I didn't have to see him again.

WHERE IS IT?! WHERE IS HIS CHIN?!?! How do you lose a chin?! How is his jaw that holds his very pointy teeth still intact?! Did his neck eat it?! Cuz now his neck is wicked long! And it needed stitches up the whole thing too.

The man also lost all his bicep muscles, or maybe they just moved up to his forearms... his oddly bulbous and rounded forearms... They are also no longer proportional to his torso size (I think).

Speaking of torsos, Moriah's is indescribable without talking about his pants situation:

Aside from the poor color choice, Moraih's pants are a serious problem. If they are filled with his fat, then Moriah's legs are almost non-existent and have long sense be consumed by fat looking to conquer the world blob-style. What happened to his Kishishishishishsishi-shins?! And I don't even want to think about his schlong somewhere in there, lost and alone...

Kuma and Moriah Meet

The most top-heavy, thin-legged character meets the most bottom-heavy, fat-legged character!

That whole teardrop shape is either the most unnatural thing ever, or Moriah's artistic expression for how sad is appearance makes him.

And he converted to clown shoes at some point? With poofy toes or something? Man, I don't even know anymore... Things couldn't get much worse...

Moriah Shadow Asgard





But wait... what is that...?

Sweet baby Jesus! GUYS! His legs do exist! Look at em! They're so skinny that they could never support his newfound girth (probably why he's on all fours, like a bitch), but they do in fact exist! His feet are kinda normal looking too! It's little moments like these that can really inspire a person to change their life for the better!

Oh man, I'm so happy guys! Maybe next week I'll write a blog that actually matters now!

G'bye! JustSomeDude...  Talk |