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One Piece Encyclopedia

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679 Abridged

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Ok, to spice up what happened this week and to take my mind off the travestic revelation in another series, I'm going to abridge this week.

Cover: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Galleon

Clown: Fuck....Maybe this thing was too effective...Then again, I wouldn't know since most of my high level guinea pigs messed up my plans AGAIN. I got people to entertain and they think it'd be funny to mess things up. How messed up? Let's see, screaming Marines are gone from just outside the lab, and the characters that actually matter are not visible in the cage. Well, ain't that perfect.

Monet: Well, what's your vergict (get it?)?

Vergo: Ain't it obvious? Dem motha fuckas escaped! Think about it. The G-5 Marines are nameless henchmen, that's code for a pack of wild dumbasses. Ugh, that means Law's free too, great. When you want someone dead right, you gotta kill the bastard yourself.

Caesar: So...you're saying they definitely did escape...from seastone cuffs....Ugh, next time I see dramatic irony, remind me to set it on fire.

Conveniently arriving henchmen: Sir, the Straw Hats are in the A-building lobby and kicking our asses left and right.

Caesar: FUCK IN A BARREL! That means they really did escape...and open the shutter.

Cah: You're asking me?

Chopper: Running running running running! Thank god a random stranger threw a piece of paper at me that explains how to treat the children and escape on my own. And now I know how meth is made.

Money: Mysterious noticing.

Caesar: What are my bithces, I mean soldiers doing?

Cah: Some are in building A, the rest are in building B.

Caesar: Wait, they want to escape, so they're trying to get to building R. Alright! Shit just got real and I'm the guy running this party! Block the passage from A to B. Check out this awesome map! You see this spot that I'm smearing a booger through? Shit's about to blow up and my baby's about to get in there.

Cah: But sir, some of our men will be caught too.

Caesar: Here's a secret, you nameless buffoons don't mean shit to me. I need to show the brokers how this party is going. As of right now, they don't think I'm cool enough yet. And that's a problem for me. Going somewhere, Vergy?

Vergo: Yeah, hear me out. The best way to catch a bear is with a bear trap, right?

Caesar: Right.

Vergo: So, the best way to catch a dumbass is with a dumbass trap right?

Caesar: Makes sense.

Vergo: Problem is, we ain't huntin' no dumbasses. So if you want to catch these guys, you gotta think of a trap that will catch more than a dumbass. You gotta catch pirates that are powerful, organized, and determined. And closing them off ain't gonna do shit. I'm running this game now since I'm the one who's ass is on the line more than yours. Monet, get me my sword so I can beat their asses like they owe me rent.

Monet: You don't use a sword to bludgeon someone.

Vergo: then screw it, I'll waste them the old fashioned way.

Elsewhere.

Run: You're not getting past me. I named myself, making me 100 times more formidable.

Luffy: I don't understand what you are, and I don't like the way you look. Ironic how that makes me angry considering the theme of the last arc. Oh, and a name? Bitch please, boot to the head! Yay big door! It's beeping, does that mean the burritos are done?

Law: And I arrive, like a sudden windstorm at a kindergarten picnic.

Smoker: Law, the microwave is beeping. Get me my burrito.

Law: Actually, it's warning you that the gates are closing, you might want to move.

Elsewhere again

G-5: I wasn't paying attention when Law told us about the two whatever it was. You obviously know, so you're not going anywhere until you tell us!

Brook, Zoro, Kinemon: Move Bitch, Get out the Way, Icy Hot (tm) Murder Combo!

Brook: Zoro, you just beat Buckethead on expert level!

Usopp: Literary reference.

Sanji: Thanks for being our ride.

BB: No problem, but why did you bring the dragon?

Usopp: We were bored. But it's way too mellow to be any fun.

Nami: So, the dragon's the dangerous type. I think it's sexy. Sexy dragon!

Back to the plot

Marines: Now die!

Zoro: What did I tell you? Nameless henchmen don't get to fight main characters.

Tashigi jumps in.

Zoro: You, on the other hand, do have the right to fight with me. But to be honest, you look really bored.

Tashigi: Go!

Marine: Let's leave these two named characters to fight while we escape.

Tashigi: Add a timer to this video game cuz that gate's gonna close!

Marine: Give the wounded piggyback rides, come on!

Robin: Boo!

Nami: Brownbeard, faster!

BB: I'm going as fast as I can!

Nami: What do you have in there, a V2!?

Kinemon: Why are we always running? I feel like Forrest Gump!

Random guy: Hey, why is Brownbeard with them? Did he betray master?

Masked random guy: What part of imminent death don't you get? Run, stupid!

Outside the lab, a cannon moves into place, making shit explode.

Marines: Fuck on a barrel! Everybody run if you weren't already!

Brook: Are all main characters here?

Marine: Wait a second. Don't worry, captain, I accel in competitive broad throw!

Tashigi: Weeeee.

Zoro: If that isn't objectifying women, I don't know what is.

Trapped Marines: And now, to die in a cool pose.

Caesar: Shurororororo, so I was able to get some of them. I can't believe those guys had the nerve to survive. I mean, do you guys really think you can escape? Don't you know who you're dealing with? I am the motherfucking king here! I control this whole party! I am the one who decides your fate. I am the game master, the alpha, the omega, and the middle Greek letter. I am the conductor of the symphonic train of death that keeps you running. I am the power that you fear. I am the patient who laughs in the office of the psychiatrist whose treatment I refused. I am the panic that makes you quiver. I am the terror THAT SHRIEKS THROUGH THE NIGHT! I. AM. CAESAR. CLOWN. Now who wants nachos?

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