This one is almost too easy, although a little lengthy. Anyway, here goes.
Cover: I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she ain't messin with no broke vice wardens.
Luffy: Holy shit! It's that guy! The one from before! The one who saved me and healed my wounds after Marineford! The guy I owe my life to.....What'shisface!
Robin: You were wounded in Marineford? Never would have guessed....
Law: OMINOUS STARE!
Luffy: Fancy meeting you here.
Law: INDIFFERENT YET STILL OMINOUS STARE, LEADING INTO A FLASHBACK!
Law: Throw a guy on the brink of death onto the deck of my sub! I'm a doctor, and for some reason I want you to endanger him more!
Jinbe: What will happen if he keeps this up?
Law: Let him. His wounds will open up, and I can't find my sutchures.
Law: He needs solid rest for the next two weeks.
Rayleigh: Kay, thanks, bye. END FLASHBACK!
Law: Shit, you really did survive. But really, no need to thank me, I was just bored.
Usopp: Ooh look a Marine!
Brownbeard: Ehh, chchch, what's up doc?
Law: Remember Luffy, we're pirates.
Luffy: Oh yeah, we are. I forgot.
Tashigi: Smooooker in the snooooow, stopped by that trafalguy.
Zoro: Luffy, Marines bad!
Luffy: Hey, I know that unconscious guy!
Tashigi: Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, I can't believe I'm trying this again!
Law: Women just never learn. I hate that! Shambles Heart Throb!
Marines: Again, captain? Really!?
Zoro: Get on the alligator, Luffy.
Luffy: Have you se-
Law: Back entrance.
Luffy: Hey, that's racist!
Law: You'll find what you're looking for there. Now, I still have to find those sutchures, damn.
Robin: Looks like the Marines lost to the Shichibukai.
Brook: Baking rocks in the, hot sun, they fought the law and the, law won. They fought the law and the, law won. They miss their baby den den mushi and they miss their fun. They fought the law and the, law won. They fought the law and the, law won.(get it?)
Sanji: Boobies boobies boobies boobies! I need a camera in order to remember these BOOBIES!
Chopper: Wow, being a human in the cold sucks. Are you guys ok?
Kids: Curly, go back to being a dick. We like you better that way.
Kid (falls): Ugh!
Kids: That guy falling made us realize how cold we are for some reason!
Franky: Too bad there is nothing convenient around here containing clothes.
Sanji: Or a mirror or a camera. :(
Nami: MY BOOBS!
Samurai: Ok, it's time to actually be of use now, and not just as a yet to be started subplot. I am actually a magician, the name's Samurai Kriss Blane Houdini Copperfield. Now, find a rock, all of you.
Samurai: Because, I'm about to pull one of the greatest plot devices of all time, and reveal to you that I'm a Devil Fruit user. Does everyone have a rock on their head?
Samurai: Haha, you look silly. Anyway, Abracaplotdevice!
Nami: Holy shit, coats and gloves and shoes! Actually, do you have this same coat design, only in more of a burgundy? And I like the shoes, but they're not my size. I'm a size 9. And maybe a matching scarf to go with it? I also wonder if you have...
Samurai: This is not fucking Macy's! Just say thank you and let's go! By the way, they disappear once you take them off.
Chopper: So what else can you do?
Samurai: I also do children's birthday parties.
Chopper: So why didn't you make anything for yourself?
Brook: Sup! We're here.
Sanji: Boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies!
Zoro: Oh, look, Sanji looks dumber than normal.
Usopp: Am I the only one who sees the giant children?
Luffy: Franky, don't hit Nami!
Robin: Daaaaaamn, someone royally wasted this side of the cold part of the island.
Sanji: Nami, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself. You're beating yourself up over nothing. I don't want anybody else. When I think about you I touch myself. You're just jealous that I'm the pretty one now. Best Freaky Friday ever.
Nami: No matter what now, Sanji is touching me. Why doesn't this crew have an HR department!?
Chopper: I'm not Sanji!
Robin: This. Is. Awesome.
Samurai: I have my lower body. Just one step closer to doing that thing Marilyn Manson can do. You know, since he took out a rib....
Luffy: Why!? Why the legs!? Oh the half humanity!
Kids: Do the tank thing!
Nami: You crazy!? I ain't touching shit! One wrong finger twitch and I could blow this whole place up!
Sanji: We get it, Oda. You don't like smoking. As if Vice Admiral Cancer wasn't enough of a hint. Now I've switched from King Ground to Death? C'mon. Death isn't even publicly traded.
Nami: You're talking to hold back. We should figure things out. First off, Robin, I'm sorry sweety but leopard is not your pattern. Some people can make it work, you can't. Now that we've cleared the air, I'm Nami, the self-abusive cyborg.
Chopper: I'm Chopper, who gave Sanji eyes like Perona's.
Franky: I'm Franky the furry.
Sanji: Boobs! I wonder, would doing that count as third base?
Brook and Usopp (both with a single tear rolling down their cheek like that one shot of Derek Jeter during the national anthem, and slight nosebleeds): Thank you.
Sanji: Don't hurt me! You're only hurting yourself! This will hurt you as much as it hurts me.
Nami: Dear diary, charge Sanji 100,000 to touch, 200,000 to grope. Anything else better be preceded by dinner and a movie, and maybe a footrub, or a hot bath. Also, KILL SANJI. And stop laughing you two!
Sanji (counting on his fingers): 32...83....carry the 9....876,000 a day with interest. Worth every penny! Where's somewhere I can go to get better acquainted with myself?
Usopp: Ok, so, allow me to recap. We came here because Luffy's as compassionate as he is dumb. Some guy made the call, intending to reach our ride because of the head and torso combo over there. Now that we have that out of the way; Robin, leopard is not for you. It just isn't.
Samurai: Did I mention I have a son already? He must be inside!
Kid: Yeah, you missed some of us. Kinda screwed the pooch there.
Other kid: Forget them, they're noobs.
Luffy: Wait, whatshisface became a shichibukai?
Robin: Have you been reading the last few chapters?
Luffy: Oh yeah, your legs can talk.
Samurai: Correction, my farts can talk.
Luffy: No, your legs can talk.
Samurai: No, like I said, it was my-
Nami: Please, so we don't all start crying, your legs can talk.
Brook: By the way, I found your torso, and you're a terrible swordsmen.
Other cold quarter of the island
Marine: Tashigi, are you ok, you heartless bitch (what? at least half of it's true)?
Tashigi: Somehow, yes.
Marines: Thank Deus ex Machina you're alive.
Smoker: So, those things on the snails, those were letters right? Assuming Law is protecting someone, which for the sake of the plot I am going to instantly assume to be true for no adequately explored reason, it can only add up to one person. A bounty hunting scientist, and one crazy fuck. How crazy? Think of Christian Bale's rant, any and all of Mel Gibson's rants after being pulled over, especially the antisemitic ones, and the guys who were in charge of the Weathermen. Combine them and multiply them by Caribou over the square root of Jackass. That amounts to maybe one sixteenth of how crazy this guy is. This guy also happens to be the leading expert of weapons of mass destruction. The guy we've seen regularly for the last 5-6 chapters makes Kevorkian look like a nun. His name's Caesar Clown, and this guy's brand of funny may just get you killed. Assuming I'm right of course, which I may not be.
Caesar: So, Law, where's the pizza (think back to an earlier one I wrote)?
Law: It was the wrong address, Caesar.