One Piece Encyclopedia


652 Abridged

Back by popular demand. This is going to be the last one for a while.

Neptune: So, Jinbe, how's the crew doing? Is Crazy Candy Bitch treating them well?

Jinbe: I'd be lying if I said she wasn't a pain in the ass, but we can pretty much do what we want. Think Old Testament. Always watching while we're doing whatever.

Neptune: You're not mad that she isn't Fisher Tiger?

Jinbe: Honestly, as long as she doesn't kill my crew, I'm not complaining.

Neptune: And here I thought you did it for the island.

Jinbe: Not even close. Though it's too bad we're wanted men, otherwise my crew and I could protect the island.

Neptune: Yes, there's no way I'd let criminals of any sort protect the island. Oh wait, I did, twice. And you can't protect us because....?

Jinbe: Because I'm going to make sure that crazy broad won't bother us because I'm cutting myself off from her.

Neptune: Really? You think you can go cold turkey from a Yonko who runs a racket scheme without any repercussions? Sure, I can totally see that going off without a hitch. It's one thing to get the baby off the breast. It's another thing entirely to get the breast off the baby. Especially when that breast is huge, crazy, and powerful. A narcissistic, egocentric, power hungry crazy person, who's going through withdrawal. Jinbe, as your friend I feel I should ask you, do you really know what you're f#%king with here?

Jinbe: So what? Big Mom is a huge boob. Who cares? None of that will matter when I join Luffy and his crew. But I'm worried about breaking our agreement. Verbal contracts are no easy thing to get around. Do you know how hard it is to break your word to someone?

Neptune (facepalm): Jinbe, I could go out right now, get laid, and break my word to Otohime in about ten minutes. Verbal agreements mean diddly crap when it comes to longterm enforcement. Just do me a favor. When you do break your ties and agreements and whatnot, don't send that bitch my way.

Jinbe: Fine. I won't.

Neptune: Again, since verbal agreements alone are about as solid as my dumps after carboloading, 70,000 new troops will join the army, and I'm going to redecorate, starting with the flag. I like Luffy better, so I'll go with his flag.

Jinbe: Good idea.

MoR: Your highness

Neptune: Oh, what are you in such a hurry to interrupt us for? Running a rude marathon?

MoR: I just remembered something.

Neptune: So ginkgo biloba works on fish. What did you remember?

MoR: I rigged the tamatebako to explode upon opening.

Neptune: Why did you do that?

MoR: Well I did it as a safety measure after it was stolen ten years ago.

Neptune: You rigged a priceless artifact with explosives, are you out of your mind? Well, it doesn't matter. It's too late to get it back now.

MoR: Why?

Neptune: Luffy called no backsies. You can't come back from something like that.

Soldier: Merman Combat, Convenient Arrival no Jutsu! The Straw Hats are back.

MoR: Then maybe there's a chance to get it back if we explain!

Neptune, Nami, MoR: You gave all the treasure to Big Mom?

Luffy: Yeah, she was going to destroy us, so I payed her not to. Then I told her I would fight her later. I gave her the treasure in an attempt at collateral. Also, they called no backsies on the treasure

Every Straw Hat except Robin: You said you'd fight her!? You know what collateral means!?

Neptune: Way to go, minister. It is physically impossible to get anything back after double no backsies have been called.

Shirahoshi: Oh, Luffy is so brave and strong.

Usopp: Shut up you crazy fangirl!

Jinbe: Glad I decided to cut the ties when I did. Guys, a word of advice. Don't piss her off anymore

Usopp: You think we're trying to!?

Off to one side

Neptune (either whispering or communicating telepathically with MoR, I couldn't tell): This is bad.

MoR: If Big Mom calls no backsies on the box, that's triple no backsies! According to legend, triple no backsies causes the item to explode. She'll take it as a sign of war. Ohara called the third no backsie on their poneglyph as the government was coming to get it back, and look what happened to them.

Nami: Oh, that's right, you're a guy. You have an obligation to fight don't you?

Luffy: Damn straight.

Nami (after using Pound): Next time keep a little something! I'm a girl, so I like gold and expensive jewelry more than fighting. Screw conflict resolution!

Luffy: Let's go to the New World.

At the Candy Factory

Caribou: Dude, where's my stuff? If I bring the treasure, and the secret information about the princess, maybe I'll score points with Voldemort! AAAHHH! Social activity! A midget and a longleg are carrying three bags. Stop me if you've heard this one before. I wonder what's in them? I'll bet it's treasure, and laundry. MUST HAVE NEW CLOTHES! Give me the treasured laundry!

Tamago: Who the hell are you? Anyway, we already called no backsies on this stuff.

Pekoms: He's running at us, more than enough time to check a convenient book of pirates I just happen to have. Hurray for plot devices.

Tamago: What does the book say about his bounty level?

Pekoms: It's over two hundred million. (Yes, I'm denying you a 9000 joke)

Tamago: Ok.

Caribou: Oh, you want to talk about conveniently placed items? Check this out! Cariboom boom. God that recoil friggin' hurts.

Pekoms: You done yet? I was so bored that I transformed into turtle and took a nap.

Caribou: A Zoan? Don't fear the reaper!

Pekoms: Bitch please.

Caribou: ahhahha...

Pekoms: What was that? Sorry I couldn't hear you over that hole I just made in your STOMACH! 0" punch!

Caribou goes flying

Pekoms: Suck it, Bruce Lee. Look at my name and bounty. Just because you're a logia, doesn't mean you don't suck and I can't kick the everloving crap out of you.

Tamago: Come on, let's go.

Pekoms: K.

Meanwhile, in the New World

Marine: Doot doot doot, another one bites the dust. Doot doot doot, another one bites the dust. And another one's gone and another one's gone, another one bites the dust. Hey, there's one at o'clock 2, and soon it will bite the dust.

Other Marines: Oh no, the captain is in trouble. Let's save her!

Tashigi: How many times do I have to tell you? NO MEANS NO! Hey, check this out (balances live cannon ball on her sword). Parlor trick!

Marines: Cool. You're the only reason we stick around.

Tashigi: All you do is stand around! Get your ass in gear!

Marine: Captain, that's the mast.

Other Marine: She can yell at my mast any time.

Tashigi: Oh, so just because I'm a woman you think I'll talk to your mast?

Smoker: Tashigi, your complaining is getting annoying. Women, am I right fellas?

Pirate 1: You sure are, don't hurt me.

Smoker: So, you've told me why pirate traffic was down, and why people are appearing here like it's going out of style.

Pirate 2: Yeah, we were slaves, then this pirate guy came and freed us. His name was...

Pirate 1: Don't tell him! These guys use pirates to practice acupuncture, then feed them to sharks. Then they roast the shark on a bonfire. These dudes redefine crazy.

Pirate 3: It was the Straw Hat Pirates!

Smoker: No shit, Sherlock.

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