One Piece Encyclopedia


650 Abridged

I'm bored and feel like writing another abridged chapter parody. So here goes.

Robin: So yeah, your daughter's birthright is the ability to control giant monsters. Here's the kicker, she ain't the only one with power like that. She's Poseidon, but there's also Pluton and Uranus.

Neptune: Ugh, I have one bout of bad gas fifteen years ago and no one will let me hear the end of it.

Robin: I was refering to the god, though Luffy will be overjoyed to know that merfolk have asses.

Neptune: Ok, but you have to promise to keep the fact that we are living with one of the most devestating weapons imaginable a secret. Can I trust you?

Robin: You're asking a pirate, whose crew is more or less challenging the World Government to keep one of the three most destructive weapons known to man a secret?

Neptune: Yup.

Robin (crossing her fingers): Of course you can trust me.

Several feet away an anthropomorphic puddle is listening in.

Caribou: For once, being a professional creeper pays off. Jackpot!

In the dining hall

Jinbe: Luffy, I'm worried you're out of touch with reality. Let's go over there so I can beat some sense into you with my recap stick.

Luffy: If there's no food there then I'm bringing some. Oh, hey, the rest of my crew is here too.

Nami: Down by booze.

Usopp: Down by food.

Chopper: Sanji is down by excessive bloodrushes to his nether regions.

Sanji: We're all gonna get laid!

Luffy: What? The Marines had a red vs. blue fight with Aokiji and Akainu?

Nami: I'm surprised you remember their names.

Jinbe: Does anyone know what happened?

Chopper: Oh, pick me, pick me! I know!

(for this next part, I hope you watched Top Gun)

Jinbe: Basically, SenGoosu decided to step down as fleet admiral, and suggested Iceman be the new top ace. Corporate didn't like that, they wanted the craziest bastard possible to be in charge of an organization that is supposed to protect people. So, people took sides, and before they knew it, there was a red vs. blue situation. For some reason, blue captain suddenly decided to start giving a crap, so he actually propelled the conflict. So, as expected of the Marines, they decided to settle it in a fashion similar to just about every samurai movie out there. They met on some island, that apparently will become relevant, and just had an all out slugfest for ten days. So, since there's nothing weird about two dudes agreeing to meet alone on an island to fight for a week an a half, half the island was burned and half the island was frozen. Apparently they decided to face each other like elemental Super Saiyans and gain field advantages.

Nami: Did you just drag Dragon Ball Z and Yu-gi-oh! into this story?

Jinbe: I don't know, did you just break the fourth wall? Anyway, I'm sure you can guess who won.

Luffy: How the hell could Akainu win?

Jinbe: Think man, would the plot be any good if the lazy and merciful Kuzan ran the operations? So, Aokiji, having lost, quit in a hissy fit and pulled a disappearing act. Meanwhile, Akainu decided to spread the crazy around and the government let him, because let's be honest, who would really want to f#%k with him?

Luffy: Is that it?

Jinbe: No, Blackbeard is a Yonko now too. And, as if defying the laws of nature with two Devil Fruit powers wasn't bad enough, the writer decided to make him insanely overpowered by having him go on an ability hunt. So, Luffy, listen...

Luffy (eating): Cool story bro.

Jinbe: HEY! As the captain, you should listen to this stuff.

Sanji: What do you think we're here for?

Chopper: I thought the captain was the guy who never listens. (actual line)

Luffy: This candy is amazing. I think I like it even better than meat.

The world starts to collapse around him.

Sanji: Luffy, you idiot! Take it back, take it back! You can't like anything more than meat!

Luffy: Fine, meat is better. Who needs plans, right?

Keimi: Hi.

Luffy: Great convenient arrival. Where's Biggy?

Keimi: Despite her size, she couldn't handle what amounts to roughly two shots of liquor so she went to her room.

Luffy: Zoro, Sanji, my spidey sense is tingling, how about yours?

Zoro: Yeah, mine is too.

Sanji: Hey, it's a perfectly natural reaction to mermaids.

Zoro: Wrong tingling, curliqueue.

Sanji: Oh, that one. Yeah, so is mine.

Luffy: I think that's enough of an excuse to barge in on a sleeping teenage girl.

Shirahoshi: I'm melting!

Caribou: Shhhhh, keep thinking that, sweety. You're gonna meet my bros in the New World, and they've been lonely, if you get my drift.

Shirahoshi: Heeeeeeeeelllllllllp!

Caribou: There's nothing you can do, no one can stop me and they're right behind me, aren't they?

Moments later...

Luffy: Send a postcard, Caribitch!

Sanji (crying): Luffy gets all the women. WHY!?

MoR: Please don't fire me! The thief also wrecked the other tower...

Pappug: No, it was Zo...

Zoro: Where the hell did you come from? And listen to what he said, the thief did it, comprendo?

Nami: Thief?

MoR: Treasure.

Monster Trio: Crap, he said the t-word.

Nami: King dude, why the hell aren't you going after this guy?

Neptune: After the kingdom was nearly destroyed, i could give a crap about treasure.

Nami: Can I have it?

Neptune (trying to sound sarcastic): Sure, take all of it, why don't you?

Nami: Larry, Moe, Curly, go and get him!

Guard: Your highness, something happened with the pirate officers!

Neptune: My god, they all qualify for social security!

Hody: You kids today don't know that I stole the magic box thing before I left.

Neptune: Now i have to fix their sentence. It's no fun to pistol whip old men.

Fukaboshi: Hey, Hody, stfu.


Guard: Two guys who sound like cartoon characters are asking for the candy payment. The factory was wrecked and the remaining candy was eaten at the party.

MoL: First, fire the idiot who doesn't know the meaning of the word "collateral". Big Mom, that bitch is crazy and on our asses.

Guard: Sir, do you mean to say that...

MoL: Exactly. Shit just got real.


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