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Well, folks, you join us on a pleasant day here in... uh... the wiki, where we have some people lined up to kill each other for sport because we're civilised apparently.
We have 24 vict-contestants from 12 districts, and as you all know only one can win unless for some stupid reason made to get out of plot. Eyes are on the crowd favourites, JustSomeDude... and Awaikage, after they tested well with focus groups, but we can't ignore the dark horse Shayshayrip. Rumours are flooding of substance abuse for the tributes from District 11, but since we don't care then that'll probably have no real impact on the event.
The tributes are ready to go, we're all waiting for someone to fart into a microphone and
THE HUNGER GAMES ARE BEGUN!
Well, this is where we separate the strangely androgynous men from the boys, folks, and as you can see we have a lot of cowards this time around! Not to worry, there's still fun in watching a slaughter and OH I DON'T BELIEVE IT VONGOLA SECONDO HAS SMUGGLED A WEAPON INTO THE EVENT! Judging by the colour MJ is turning I'd say that's a poison dart of some sort, and the first kill goes to District 2! Tough luck District 3! I wouldn't have used a secret weapon straight away, but there's no denying the psychological effectiveness this will have on the survivors!
Well, the braver ones are scrabbling in the cornucopia for supplies, and we can see three of them getting weapons straight off the bat! DSP, Gourd and Nada are ones to watch out for folks, but it looks like.... oh yes! TUI has found a pair of sais, and has used them instantly to lethal effect! Shayshayrip is down! That's one nobody saw coming! Such a shame District 6!
But it's not over yet folks, Mr Snuffleupagus and Piece enrik are fighting over a bag but neither of them actually have the contents yet! It's very much a battle of attrition here to see who can grapple the other down, and in a fit of bloodlust Mr Snuffleupagus has managed to start strangling Piece enrik! He's turning red and yellow! Yes, he's down! Another kill! There'll be no celebrating in District 4 tonight, as their only remaining tribute appears to have got no weapon at all!
Well, this is where it starts to get more tactical, folks, as the initial bloodbath turns into stalking. Settle in and pull up the family dog because this is where the real Games begin!
A fairly dull event, folks, with not just one but three tributes being all "moral" and sparing the lives of their opponents! What is this travesty! I'll be astounded if they get any help from sponsors, I tell you! Not even a single death! I do apologise, viewers!
The other tributes are either hunting or gathering supplies, obviously preparing for the long game, because night is coming and when it comes there will be deaths! But don't go anywhere, folks, we have state of the art killcam footage streaming to your screens for just $4.99 a day! Don't miss out on this never-before-seen action!
Well, folks, night has fallen and so have two of our tributes! Kaido and Cook are down, I repeat down! District 6 is completely eliminated within only the first day! Mr Snaffleupagus claiming a second kill, this fellow really has come out of nowhere to be the dark horse of the competition, and Rici getting some small revenge for the loss of his team mate by strangling the first person he encounters!
Several sponsers dropping supplies in, those won't go unappreciated, and across the battleground small alliances are forming... who knows how long those will last, I for one hope they don't, but then again I've been drinking coffee to stay awake and not miss ANY OF THE ACTION!
That's all for the first day, folks, but stay tuned for more, we'll be bringing you nonstop coverage for the entirety of this event! LIVE ACTION CHILDREN KILLING EACH OTHER EXTREME!!!!!