Nova: Ladies and gentlefolk, your hosts for tonight are myself, Nova, and "special" guest Fin, with this special explanation of how the fights in chat will now work.
Fin: Yes indeed Nova, and boy are the audience in for a treat tonight. We've only commentated on one fight so far, and while we all know what happened there -
Fin: And it ended with one of them running like a little bitch from the chat, before the lady raped the other in the anus.
Nova: A classic ending. Well, today, we are going to just quickly go over the rules, so that you, the unappreciative audience, can mock us when we get things wrong.
Fin: Also bear in mind that we don't know shit, and since both we and the person being fought over can change the rules at any time we or they choose, these rules are in no way certain.
Nova: ....so what you're saying, Fin, is that there is utterly no point to this blog?
Fin: Exactly. Now, leeeeeeet's geeeeeeeeet reeeeaaadyyyyyyyyyyyy toooooooooooo -
Nova: non-copyright-infringing -
Nova: Basically, this is the part where we introduce each contestant and whatever they're fighting over, right Fin?
Fin: Hello ladies, and aren't you looking fine.... Oh, uh, yes, that's exactly right, Nova. We introduce the first contestant, a brief description, how many edits he weighs in at, and -
Nova: And then we introduce the other one the same way. We're simple folk.
Fin: That's exactly right, Nova, and can I just say that if you interrupt me one more time I will show a certain lady some screenshots of you admitting things?
Nova: ...... you wouldn't.
Fin: Oh, yes I would. Then, after the customary booing and prefight insults have finished, we will introduce the topic they are fighting over -
Fin: (sigh) What?
Nova: Can I interrupt you there? Cos this whole running commentary doesn't really work if we take it in turns, one of us is going to end up talking over the other and getting off track.
Nova: Now, while the two fighters may be fighting over a woman, they also may not be.
Fin: ....that was it? That was all you interrupted me to say? You useless Brit, how the hell did you get this job? You do nothing but get drunk and say useless information.
Nova: That's not true. Incidentally, John Smiths Extra Smooth is one of the best mass produced bitters around, and it's available in the foyer for just £2.50 a pint.
Fin: I cannot believe I have to put up with you. I really don't.
Nova: So.... (slurps pint) on to the general rules?
Nova: We already said that.
Fin: Our audience are stupid, Nova, we have to be clear, concise, and NOVA PUT THAT PINT DOWN.
Nova: (throws empty glass) What pint? And as long as they aren't changed, the general fight will consist of 3 minute rounds, with a 1 minute break in between.
Fin: That glass hit the referee. In the head. He's not moving.
Nova: Well, we can do his job. We never found out his name anyway.
Fin: But it was -
Nova: MOVING ON! (pours fresh pint) We will give generic and banal commentary during each round, insulting the fighter's parentage and so on, before reviewing the round and suggesting that the fighter gives up now during the break.
Fin: WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS? HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THIS JOB?
Nova: Shut up and hit on ladies awkwardly, Belgian, and leave me to do my own thing.
Fin: Your own thing is getting drunk and being a terrible person.
Nova: I resemble that insinuation.
Fin: Since there's no ladies present, I can say FUCK OFF AND LET'S DO THE NEXT BIT.
The Next Bit
Nova: So as you might have guessed, a chat fight is similar to a real fight. Much depends on the fighters patience and stamina.
Fin: Amazing. You're onto your third pint, and that sentence made sense.
Nova: Of corpse it did.
Fin:.... okay. The true goal to a chat fight is not to win against your opponent, but to get the lovely lady to like you more than the other person. I tell you, it's a good thing I'm not competing, because there are no wimminz I have not conquered.
Nova: what are you on about mate you're still a virgin you told me that time we got pissed -
Fin: shutup shutup! (pushes Nova off chair) If you don't sort this out before the next fight, I'm asking the boss to fire you.
Nova: the floor is full of stars
Fin: I apologise, it appears my colleague is unable to continue his... explanation. I'll make this as quick as possible -
Nova: heheheh that's what she said
Fin: GOD DAMN YOU NOVA SHUT UP ALREADY. So the fight only ends when one fighter leaves for 3 minutes or admits defeat. Simple rules, initially, which is why we made some more. After the third round, we - and by that I mean I, since there's no way Nova will still be sober -
Nova: piss off i'm always sobre i just like lynig down after a fwe drinks -
Fin: We will ask the lovely lady if she wants to invoke Sudden Death. (lights drop) Also if she want to take her top off. (lights go up)
Nova: (gets back on chair) Now, if Sudden Death (lights drop) is invoked, the lady has 30 seconds to think of the worst penalty for each fighter. To clarify, that's 30 seconds each, taking up the whole of the 1 minute break.
Fin: I can't see shit. Why are the lights still down?
Nova: Not to worry, Fin, the darker it is the less chance the ladies you try to hit on will recognise you. And every round since Sudden Death (lights go up) is invoked, during the break the lady gets to pick another penalty until one of the two admits defeat, or leaves for 3 minutes.
Fin: That's right, folks, these are long fights, and if I ever figure out who installed these voice acitvated lights I'm going to rip their genitalia off with a honey badger.
Nova: Well, I think that just about covers everything, don't you?
Fin: We will be making facts and statistics up on the fly, Nova, just as in a real fight, but that's the only thing I can think to mention. And ladies, my hotel room after the fight is -
Nova: For Christ's sake, Fin, show some decorum. Buy them a drink first.
Fin: It's all about the drinks for you, Nova? Maybe that's why she can't stand the sight of you.
Nova: (ahem) So, it's good night from me -
Fin: And it's good night from Fin -
Nova: Good night!
Fin: Good night!
Fin: Well, I think that went well.
Nova: You must be joking, mate. It'll be a miracle if we keep our jobs after this.
Fin: Well, you can always fall back on being a professional stalker.
Nova: Let's wait for the next big fight then. Kind of banking on one happening, or we will be out of a job, innapropriate behaviour towards a female member of staff or not.
Fin: How did you know about..... And yes, we do need a fight soon. Maybe we should start one?
Nova: You mean start a fight just to get paid for commentating? That's genius.
Fin: I try.
Nova: Totally using that idea as my own now.