One Piece Encyclopedia


A Manly Review: The Cursed Holy Sword

Hello boys girls and Greeks, it's been a long time, but the Manly Review blogs are back!

Alright, settle down, this still might be a one-off.

Well, let's see now. Curse of the Sacred Sword is what the site I use calls it, although this wiki seems to prefer The Cursed Holy Sword. What a stupid pair of names for a film. Why not Curse of the Sword that Possesses You and Makes You Kill People and Stuff? That seems more accurate, if a bit harder to fit on a poster. How about Cursed of the Sword Obsessed with Anime Clichés? Bah, I don't know. Let's see now... a flashback. That's not a good start to a film. Some guy gets beaten up in front of his girl, finds a sword, kills the people attacking him. the girl suddenly doesn't want to bone him for some reason. I think. Look, I'm drunk.

After the flashback ends, it is never referred to again - god DAMNIT WHY DOES THIS NEVER HAPPEN? CAN WE NOT HAVE A FILM WITH AN OMINOUS FLASHBACK AND CURSES AND THE REST OF THE FILM JUST BE ABOUT KITTENS? Ahem. The Straw Hats turn up at what I assume is the same island, ready to loot and pillage, there's rumours about some magical gems and a magical sword and blah blah blah. Who cares? We know there's going to be a fight, we don't care about the plot that takes us there. Zoro is chilling on the ship, all looted and pillaged out, when someone throws a knife at him. The knife has his name carved into it, which could have been done by literally anyone with eyesight and a bounty poster - and hands, I guess - but he assumes it's someone he used to know blah blah blah goes off and leaves the crew blah blah. The rest of the crew get the boat to fuck a hippo (yes really) and go further inland in search of people to loot and pillage.

I have to be honest - does anyone really care about this? The crew find a village, ancient prophecy, Zoro meets someone he thought was dead, decides to help him for some reason, beats the crap out of Sanji, there's some old woman with a collapsible spine, Luffy and Usopp fall in a cave, the sun disappears from the sky and all light is extinguished forever no it's fucking night time. Zoro fights the main bad dude, Luffy fights him, Zoro fights him again, he doesn't quite die, and the film ends with the hippo fucking the ship to smooth jazz. Wait - no, left a porn video open. Ignore that last bit. And this next bit.

If you've read this far, well done. Have a beer. Have several, in fact, fuck it. I never particularly enjoyed this film from a plot perspective, but the fights are acceptable, even if they follow the same boring OP henchmen trend of one strong, one skinny. So I'm going to give this film a 6 out of 10 - maybe I should go back and actually rate the other ones - worth watching once, but only once. Blah blah secret code blah blah you'll never solve it blah blah still drinking.

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