Since nobody cares about the codes any more, I've stopped. No honestly.
In a rather pleasant deviation from most films, this one can actually fit in canon, and involves an underground pirate town, a bar fight, lots of pirates doing stuff, and an old man who appears to be immortal. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
After a very nicely animated 3D travel around a random town, we see the Straw Hats eating in a bar. And this is a grim, back alley, sawdust on the floor, type of place. They bullshit their way past the barman into a secret passage and into a secret underground pirate town! Like this, but with more pirates and beer. And pirates. And no Batman.
Yeah, so apparently these pirates get together every now and then to organise a race. Let me say that again. Drunken. Violent. Racing. With pirates. How did Disney never think of this? So the crew split up, the smart ones go and find out that they can make money if they enter the race and bet on themselves, and the dumb ones go to eat and drink moar. So while these dumbasses are getting moar food and drink, they accidentally piss off a pirate crew and a bounty hunter, and we get a bar fight. And I'll be honest, it's not a bad one.
So Luffy and the bounty hunter whose name I cannot remember but who I will now call Hat guy obliterate the crew, and go to annoy the pirate everyone thinks is going to win, a Logia called Gasparde. A real sweet tempered guy. Has a pet fishman we'll call Wolverine. So Hat guy goes off with Gasparde, the crew get together and plan their next atrocity against innocents, blah blah.
Did I mention the scene change to the annoying little brat and the sick old guy? No? Well it happened. The old guy is sick, needs medicine, blah blah, brat leaves the ship - oh yeah they're both on Gasparde's ship cos it's steam powered or something - to try and find money. I'll give you one guess who the brat tries to rob.
So the race starts, and due to Grand Line physics, it starts with a river flowing up a mountain pushing ships up there. So they get to drop off at the top. Think that bit in Skypiea where they fall off. And as soon as they land, the race is underway, and they can blow other people up to their hearts content. Other ships start dropping out left and right, Luffy bounces Merry up so they can cheat and not die. Boooooo. Unsporting.
Yeah, the race starts, and the Straw Hats are at the back of the group, so they can have a nice relaxed chat apart from the bit where Zoro full on attacks the brat in the face. That made me chuckle. The brat wakes up, tries to be brave, Nami full on loses her shit at him for some reason I didn't care about, the brat shoots Luffy and fails, bored bored bored.
Some other pirates show up literally to let Zoro and Sanji be overpowered and wipe them out.
Oh yeah the other other pirates are still out there. Willy, who takes the prize for best name, attacks Gasparde and loses. The other pirates follow the false Eternal Poses they got given and get blown to pieces at Navarrone - another reason I like this film, Navarrone is my favourite place in OP.
Look, I'm tired and I used MS Paint, cut me some slack. So the crew go after Gasparde to rescue the immortal old guy who has completely recovered from his bullshit illness. Hat guy (forget about him? I did) fights Wolverine for some reason, then gets pwned by Gasparde and his sugary goodness. Luffy turns up, attacks Gasparde, starts getting pwned.
The old guy talks to Hat guy, and goes to sabotage the ship so Gasparde will definitely die no matter what. Someone has no faith in Luffy....... so Sanji goes and gets some flour, so Luffy can actually hit Gasparde and damage him. I can only imagine Gasparde's thoughts: "Oh no, flour! You going to bake bread at me, boy - OH GOD PAIN PAIN EVERYWHERE"
Because Disney clearly had a say in this one, the fight is now happening in a hurricane. The old guy blows up the ships boilers, and survives. Let me repeat that. This old guy blows up a ships boiler, something that near rips the ship in half, and survives. He's clearly Kaido. Luffy beats Gasparde, they end up in a lifeboat with Hat guy who turns out to be the brats brother. Also the brat is a girl.
The crew get to the finish line, but see some Marines and run away without taking the prize money. Cowards.
And that concludes the review. This is one of my favourite films, and I think the lack of swearing at characters and their stupidity might show that a little, but I would welcome your feedback in the comments. I rate this one 9 out of 10 - fun, pirates, and despite a bad main bad guy we still got a damn bar fight.